A Grave Threat To America

My friends, many things over the decades have threatened to destroy America. These include British people, Nazis, Communists, Hippies and Oprah. The greatest threat, aside from bears who are already here and planning, is that of ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

May I first say that zombies are only reanimated corpses of the dead. Day of the Dead = zombies. 28 Days/Weeks Later* = NOT ZOMBIES. They are diseased humans, not dead people. And they are far too quick and agile to be zombies. Zombies are legally required to both limp and lack the ability to climb, jump or most anything other than shuffle along.

* Note: Do not confuse 28 Days Later with 28 Days. One is about the outbreak and aftermath of a horrible disease. The other is a romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock and Viggo “freaking Aragorn” Mortensen.

You may be saying, Jordan, you handsome devil, why do you warn us of zombies now of all times? You see, I recently did a speech in Economics regarding zombies, which resulted in thunderous applause and a hailstorm of laughter. My teacher, at the conclusion, said: “That was kind of unorthodox. I’m not quite sure how to score that.” He was laughing though, so I think I did pretty well.